VERBAL VOMIT!!!

This will be a long and verbally intensive post. Maybe you won't read it, and that is ok, but I must, I am compelled, I am in need of some verbal purging. Maybe you will give up before the end, and my friend, that is ok too, I just pray that anything I say may be of some service to you! I pray God will impart grace to you as you read this post, for in it is the depth of my heart, a sinful and corrupt sort of thing:

So, these past four days have been probably one of the toughest thickets I have had to tear my way through. As most of you know, David and I are living with David's parents and have been for the past five months. Let me first of all, for my sanity's sake share that these two people are very sweet, giving and oh so loving! They have been amazing in our time of need, a great example of Christ and they have taken us in, and "given us food."

So, my reckoning is not with them; however, I am compelled to do so due to the abundance of my sinful heart and it's ever outpouring of sin against them. My fruit must be dealt with, but more than that, my soul.

I have had many different stages of perspective over the past months, some good, some evil. But, I must say that I have never come to a point in all this where I have questioned God's faithfulness and goodness... Until Sunday. Oh yes, my dear friend, after a phone call that revealed David's job might be in question and the thought of going back to a place that is not our own, the depths of my heart were eager to question God. With an outpouring of tears that seem to come from the very pit of my stomach, my fists rose up in rally against God. The very words to my husband, "I just don't feel like God is being good to us!"

These words, with a few others to question my Lord, have resounded in my head and heart over the past few days. I have turned to food (chocolate), man (my husband), world (tv), sleeping, bitterness and much more to comfort my soul in this time. I told my husband, I wake and feel as if there is no hope in sight.

With the lie that these things actually can give my soul comfort, I fall, broken and afraid before my Lord.

God, however will not keep me there, for Christ stands in the gap of my ignorance.

Anxiousness, worry, fear, anger... all of these are rooted in unbelief, and unbelief is rooted in the ignorance of God! And, even though I have know strength to give, God is giving me his grace in many ways... The words of a dear friend, "I am aware that god greatly wants to comfort you bc my mind is flooded with scripture for YOU! ~Psalm 57 " I cry out to God most high, who will fulfill his purpose for me!"

~" God is our refuge and help a very present help in trouble"

Also, God has been giving me scripture as well. When I want to turn to TV, I keep reminding myself, "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or stand in the way of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers, but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on this law he meditates day and night." I know that watching most TV, it will only feed sin, but reading scripture and books, my soul is fed.

This morning, I wanted to feel related to, so I read Psalm 13

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

It is funny, because as I read this verse, I felt so understood, so related to! But then, I got to the last verses, and realized, these verses are what David and I memorized a month ago that were so helpful to me. I don't think at the time I realized this verse was in the context of the Psalmist crying out to God... How sweet for God to open my eyes to his word! That, when it is easy, God has dealt bountifully with me, when it is hard God has dealt bountifully with me, but even now, when it is ridiculously hard and I don't feel like believing God is good, HE IS STILL DEALING BOUNTIFULLY WITH ME!!!

I must say that the thought of this doesn't make me want to go run and clean the whole house, and it doesn't make me want to fix dinner, or give up chocolate, but it does bring me comfort, and I think that knowing who God is will bring about fruit.

God, grant me the grace to believe your character, that you may produce a life of fruitful obedience.