I will not go quietly into the night!

Typically, most Americans wake up to their alarm and the sound of birds chirping outside their window, and typically this is routine for me as well. Not today, for I was awakened with the sound of a phone ringing, and no birds were to be found, for that sound was replaced by my doctor saying ever to casually, "Katie, your testosterone levels are high."

"What!" My heart exclaimed, "I am turning into a man?"

Thanks to being a woman, many emotions flooded my head as well as an uncertain inspection of my body, "Do I have hair on my face? Do I have a low voice? Do I look like a man"

"This disease" that I have now been diagnosed with is called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. What this basically means is that I have an endocrine disorder or hormonal imbalance that causes infertility, unwanted hair growth, ovarian cysts, obesity and well that pretty much wraps it up in my book. So with the thought of turning into a man, you can see the distress this caused me. I decided to protest PSOC and pluck every unwanted hair on my face and wear a dress today! I will not go quietly into the night!

But I must also say that my heart and emotions I was having could not be plucked or disguised! I had to get away and spend some time in the Word to figure out my heart, to give me some relief! As I approached this oversized hill of doubt, I began to journal. I listed my fears:

• The reality of having a baby is getting further and further away from me, like a ship on the ocean drifting further and further away until it is no more!
• I am turning into a man.
• Why is God adding this to my plate? Doesn't he see I am already having such a hard time in this season!
• Is he punishing me?

These questions resounded in my head, but God was so kind to reveal his character. I can only do Him justice by sharing these verses: PLEASE READ!

"He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water."

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

""For the Lord will not cast off forever, but though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love."

"Consider the work of God: who can make straight what he has made crooked?"

Oh the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways!

"²And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. ³And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. ⁴ Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years. ⁵Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the LORD your God disciplines you. ⁶So you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God by walking in his ways and by fearing him. ⁷For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, ⁸a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, ⁹a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. ¹⁰And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land he has given you."

I see now that I need to trust God's word and his character! I don't think that I can truly "see" how God has been good in my life. But, I think that is ok! I think this is faith! "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Sometimes right now I can't see any evidence of God's goodness, but I can trust that he is good! God delights in this!

How do I grow my heart to trust him? "How can they call on him whom they have not believed, and how can they believe if they have not heard?" God calls me to find his character in his word! I desire to cling to the word, to his character!

So what is God's character? God is completely Sovereign, infinite in wisdom and perfect in love! (From Trusting God even when life hurts by:Jerry Bridges). In the word, we find an adequate view of God's character. This is why it is so important for me to BE IN THE WORD.

I hope this post finds you in a place where you don't question God's goodness, but if you do, I pray God gives you faith to believe his goodness when it's not insight! Paul pleaded three times with God to take away his thorn before he realized God's character and that his grace was sufficient. Call to him! He will answer! He is good in your life! I heard a quote one time, "If I truly believe that all things work out for good, I must believe in a sense that all things are good for me! (something like that)"

I leave you with this "No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly!"