God made me female!!!

I just wanted to post a response that a friend had to my fear of feeling manly because of my high testosterone levels.

"My thought was that u r female bc God made u so. It is not your hormones that make u feminine, but it is fearing God, submitting to David, developing a gentle and quiet spirit... the world says hormones make u feminine we know differently..."

Wow, although I know this, it was so refreshing to hear. So, I ask you...

1. What lie are you believing that is causing you to view your "hormone" as your worth? / What is your "hormone?" (outward beauty, how many babies you can have or when, how many chores you get done during the day, how much energy you have, the obedience of your child, etc).

2. How do you find your worth in Christ when you see yourself struggling with this? How do you bring this lie back to the gospel/ how can you apply the gospel to your worth?

3. Do you recognize this lie even when you are excelling in it?

4. What verse have you memorized on God's view of you?

I keep coming back to this verse: "They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshipped created things rather than their creator!"

Also "Your beauty should be... that of your inner-self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, for this is the way, the holy women of the past who put their hope in God made themselves beautiful!!"

I will not go quietly into the night!

Typically, most Americans wake up to their alarm and the sound of birds chirping outside their window, and typically this is routine for me as well. Not today, for I was awakened with the sound of a phone ringing, and no birds were to be found, for that sound was replaced by my doctor saying ever to casually, "Katie, your testosterone levels are high."

"What!" My heart exclaimed, "I am turning into a man?"

Thanks to being a woman, many emotions flooded my head as well as an uncertain inspection of my body, "Do I have hair on my face? Do I have a low voice? Do I look like a man"

"This disease" that I have now been diagnosed with is called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. What this basically means is that I have an endocrine disorder or hormonal imbalance that causes infertility, unwanted hair growth, ovarian cysts, obesity and well that pretty much wraps it up in my book. So with the thought of turning into a man, you can see the distress this caused me. I decided to protest PSOC and pluck every unwanted hair on my face and wear a dress today! I will not go quietly into the night!

But I must also say that my heart and emotions I was having could not be plucked or disguised! I had to get away and spend some time in the Word to figure out my heart, to give me some relief! As I approached this oversized hill of doubt, I began to journal. I listed my fears:

• The reality of having a baby is getting further and further away from me, like a ship on the ocean drifting further and further away until it is no more!
• I am turning into a man.
• Why is God adding this to my plate? Doesn't he see I am already having such a hard time in this season!
• Is he punishing me?

These questions resounded in my head, but God was so kind to reveal his character. I can only do Him justice by sharing these verses: PLEASE READ!

"He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water."

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

""For the Lord will not cast off forever, but though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love."

"Consider the work of God: who can make straight what he has made crooked?"

Oh the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways!

"²And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. ³And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. ⁴ Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years. ⁵Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the LORD your God disciplines you. ⁶So you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God by walking in his ways and by fearing him. ⁷For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, ⁸a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, ⁹a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. ¹⁰And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land he has given you."

I see now that I need to trust God's word and his character! I don't think that I can truly "see" how God has been good in my life. But, I think that is ok! I think this is faith! "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Sometimes right now I can't see any evidence of God's goodness, but I can trust that he is good! God delights in this!

How do I grow my heart to trust him? "How can they call on him whom they have not believed, and how can they believe if they have not heard?" God calls me to find his character in his word! I desire to cling to the word, to his character!

So what is God's character? God is completely Sovereign, infinite in wisdom and perfect in love! (From Trusting God even when life hurts by:Jerry Bridges). In the word, we find an adequate view of God's character. This is why it is so important for me to BE IN THE WORD.

I hope this post finds you in a place where you don't question God's goodness, but if you do, I pray God gives you faith to believe his goodness when it's not insight! Paul pleaded three times with God to take away his thorn before he realized God's character and that his grace was sufficient. Call to him! He will answer! He is good in your life! I heard a quote one time, "If I truly believe that all things work out for good, I must believe in a sense that all things are good for me! (something like that)"

I leave you with this "No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly!"

My mom is a published author!

So I have to do it!!! I have to boast! My mom is a published author with a book right smack dab in the middle aisle of Books A Million!!! I am so proud! I feel like I know a celebrity! I do!! She is so cool!

For Leigh-Allyn

(My friend just died from Cystic Fibrosis, so I wanted to write a poem for her!!!)

For Leigh-Allyn

A little body so tough, so courageous,

your life, can only echo through the ages.

To some this battle might seem lost,

Your life written to count the cost.

They raise their fists, they don't know,

It was Christ's love you came to show.

God above is good indeed,

For it was His mercy he set you free!

It was your body we could not own,

He has called you, thence and made your home!

Ever alas you live in peace!

Not life, but death, your trials released!

For death is gain, and you do see now,

at His feet you lay your crowns!

Present with the King, and not with us,

Now we know, and this we do trust.

You did not have your wedding day here,

but only that could have been mirror.

YOUR GROOM! YOUR GROOM! he stands alas,

at the alter as you pass!

You walk down the aisle to meet him there!

Oh how beautiful, the two in pair!

Spotless bride, he called you home,

You praise his name, bow at his thrown!

I stand in wonder of where you are,

I can't imagine life beyond the stars!

One day soon we will meet with you,

we'll get to see your new body, too!

But dear child, I must exclaim,

as we share and speak your name.

You're not the one we strive to know.

Injustice that would be, for all you showed!

Showed us Christ, you did indeed,

so now on earth we can be free!

Your life was lived, not in vain,

Share it we will, to speak his name!

And as you stand among the son,

we remember you, the life you won!!!

No loss is here, only victory shouts!

For this one thing we do not doubt!

Lacy's Little

Lacy's Little:

Oh precious child, I can't wait to see.

For you little one I am waiting to meet.

Your mom and I have been best of friends,

in my heart there's a place for you to begin.

Once you are born, we will all rejoice.

The heavens and the earth, one resounding voice.

The love for you will always be,

ever near and dear to me.

I pray you a life to become,

one that bows before the son!

May your life be full of grace,

one that reflects our Lord's great face.

And, I pray dear child as you go,

your pursuits, your trials may be not home.

But look on you, to a higher place,

For our Lord and King deserves our praise.

I AM NOT PREGNANT!!

So, for all of you married women out there, you will probably relate, and to the unmarried... this might be very comical to read.

Ok, so we are going way back to about a year and a half ago. David and I had been married for half a year, and I had my first pregnancy scare. Ever since then, there has been something in my heart yearning for a child. I think it is safe to assume that I have taken at least 15 pregnancy tests; that is about $225 (embarrassing) dollars. Pour David! I told him last night that by the time you add up the money that it has cost us to buy these tests, we could have afforded a child. This month alone I have "peed on 4 sticks" as David calls it. (P.S. I am headed to the doctor in a week to make sure everything else is ok.)

I have now come to terms that instead of the 28 day normalcy, I am 35 days or longer. Right now I am on 43 days. Before this realization, every month, I thought I was pregnant. You can imagine what this has done to my heart! It has been a roller coaster, only to take a down fall after the excitement of every high!

My dear friend shared with me the story of Hannah, and after nibbling on it for awhile, I wanted to share with you:

Elkanah was a man who had two wives... Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah had many children, Hannah had none. Peninnah basically tortured Hannah by teasing her that she Hannah no children, and Peninnah herself had an abundance. What did Hannah do with this? It says she worshiped the Lord, and it said that she, "...poured out her soul before the Lord."

So, let's break it down:

Peninnah's heart: Prideful

Peninnah's fruit: Teased Hannah, wasn't grateful, lacked fellowship (because she viewed Hannah as "her rival"

Hannah's heart: Humble

Hannah's fruit: Asked God, Trusted God, Truthful/Poured out her soul to the Lord, Had fellowship (with her husband as well as Eli), and eventually had a child.

My application: How kind of God to mold my heart to depend on him for children.

It is not David's fault I am not pregnant. God is leading David, and God has called me to submit to David no matter the circumstance (unless blatant sin)! Submission is not a matter of choice, but obedience, regardless! It says in 1 Sam that God had closed up Hannah's womb. I must see that it is God who has closed up my womb and not David.

It is ok for me to pour out my soul before the Lord! It is ok to weep! God hears and understands me! Children are a great thing! They are a heritage! And it is something for a woman to have children!!!! So cry out!

I want to be the woman who trusts God, not the woman who is at war with other women, David or God!

So, I am not pregnant... Now will I be for awhile (unless God). But, I know in this time, God has called me to trust Him! He is sovereign and knows what's best for me! He is leading David! A humble heart will produce humble fruit!

² Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Deut 8:2-3

[Taken from I Sam 1:1-20] To be continued...