Last week was rough!!! My sin was ever visible, and I was very aware of my failures!! I felt lonely and needy for David's constant presence while my heart wanted to contend with Him, I was angry and bitter at anyone I felt was unworthy of my affections and I was sad! I couldn't understand what was going on but knew that in fact there was something going on and that my soul was not doing well!
While at care group this week, we talked briefly about feeling like other people are blessed when we aren't. Usually this happens with money in our household. We tend to believe that God is blessing others by providing for them, but we always seem to come up short (or so we think). This is so far from the truth, but I digress because this is not what my heart felt at care group either. As we were talking about this, I realized that all week I had been focusing on women who were pregnant. I realized that I felt as tho God were blessing these women who were pregnant and coming up pregnant. I thought to myself, "why has God blessed these women and not me." "why did he choose to take my baby and let them keep their's?" "why does he not bless me with a baby?" My view was blessing=pregnancy and no baby=God withholding a blessing.
I realized my mind has been occupied by many thoughts of pregnancy. Am I pregnant, should I take a pregnancy test, was the test wrong, should I take another, am I ovulating, am I incapable of having more babies????? Let me tell you, when you want to be pregnant so bad, it seems like your body and mind team up against you tricking you to believe that two blue lines are inevitable, only to swallow the bitter pill of emptiness and defeat.
So, here I am, not pregnant and realizing how much this desire has affected me!!! I know this desire is good, but I also need a good dose of truth when these desires run rampant in my head!!!
Here are some truths from the sermon on Sunday that so apply to me:
Truth, It's very short sided in the kingdom of heaven to store up treasures on earth. It's selfish and misplaced priorities.
Truth, Worry is the fruit of trusting in a competing treasure.
Truth, the secret to freedom from our anxiety is to get rid of our own plans and understand the sovereign rule of God!
Truth, When my anxious thoughts multiply within me your consolations delight my soul!!!!!!!!!!!
Truth, Which of you by being anxious could add an hour to your life?
Truth, One lie the enemy always says is that God is stingy.
Truth, He bestows his riches on any who call on him.
Truth, these truths build and strengthen our faith!!
Truth, "your weariness is meant to drive you to God" pt
Truth, God will never pursue his glory at the expense of my good and he will never pursue my good at the expense of his glory (something like that). -jb
Let me clarify that I was not responding wrongly because I kept coming up not pregnant or bc I had a miscarriage. I was responding wrongly because my desires were and are at war within me and because my heart is deceitful and because I choose to worship the created rather than the creator and bc I AM A SINNER! The cup doesn't spill bc it gets knocked, it spills because it has water in it!
But, I know this... That God has rescued me from my sin. I am not a slave again to fear or anxiety but God has adopted me as his child and bestows good gifts!!!
"No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly!!" -Ps 84:11
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