It came! The thing so dreaded and feared, but never expected. As swift as we found out we were expecting our second, we had lost our second. Through this trial, I have come to realize a few things that we so often forget. Let me first say that if you have gone through this or will go through this, I can not begin to explain how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your child. Although I have been through a miscarriage, I believe all miscarriages and all families are different, so I can't tell you that I understand your pain. I don't understand how this loss has affected you, but it is my hope that it brings good about in your life. Also, it doesn't matter how far along you were. If you were only a few weeks or further, you have lost a child, and that is so painful.
In our first pregnancy, my fear of a miscarriage consumed me. I was so afraid that I was going to do something wrong to cause a miscarriage, but by some grace, nine months later I was holding a precious baby girl. I guess maybe that is why when I became pregnant for the second time, I did not expect anything to go wrong. I had been through this before and produced a healthy baby. But, as I started to spot and show signs of a miscarriage, my fears multiplied within me.
There I was, laying on the ultrasound table. Looking at my baby. Nothing seemed wrong. Then as the tech listened to the heart beat, there was silence. No beat. Nothing. I guess my denial kicked in, because as I laid there, I convinced myself it was too early to hear it. But, when the tech said she was going to get the doctor to come and talk to us, my husband and I quickly fell apart, as we knew what was unfolding.
So, there we sat in the doctors office. Trying to understand what was happening. And, I rest here today on this, that although miscarriages are common, we may never know why they happen. As the weeks went on, I played all the moments before the loss over and over again in my head, did I eat something bad, did I play too rough with my other child, did I not take my medication. These thoughts sprinted through my mind. Let me tell you friend, miscarriages happen. There is no reason for them from our earthly perspective. We can't unwind our days and come up with some evidence for it. It just happens.
As you may try to reason with yourself as to why this happened, you may also find yourself running to the internet for an explanation. DON'T!! There are so many things on the web that breed fear and anxiety in us. I can say that reading about miscarriages on the internet will only leave you with more unanswered questions. I found so much comfort in talking with others who had had miscarriages. My soul was encouraged to know that others had gone through this before me. Also, know that people really don't know what to say, and sometimes they might say the wrong thing. Just try to give them grace. Some might be uncomfortable and feel the need to talk more about themselves, some might minimize the situation, and some might not say anything at all.
Before my miscarriage, I did not know how to respond to those who had lost their child. I found myself not saying anything at all to them, avoiding them, if you will. I found this lack of condolence during my miscarriage to mean apathy. I know this is not true, but I would have loved a call, text, email, or some sign that I was being thought of. If you have a friend going through this, let them know they are loved. They may never answer the phone or text back, but trust me, it means a lot! And, while we are on the subject, a few words you should never say to them are, “I understand (even if you have had a miscarriage)” or “you'll get through it, it will be ok”. But express something to the effect of, “Im so sorry” “let me know if there is anything I can do” “Im here if you want to talk” “Praying for you”.
As the days went on I remember venturing out and not wanting to see happy people. “Don't they know what has happened to me?” I thought. I did not want anyone happy around me, nor did I want to be happy. When I felt happy, I felt guilty. But, you are not forgetting about your baby because you are happy. It is ok to feel emotions and to move on.
As the weeks went on, I found myself thinking a lot about the baby. Everything was somehow connected. I remember putting on a pair of undies and thinking, these are my pregnancy undies. I wore them when I was pregnant.
And now, as I am pregnant again, I find myself walking in fear sometimes, so afraid that I might lose this one. Our first ultrasound was really hard. I was so afraid I would not hear a heart beat. But, we are on week 17 now, and I hope and pray I will get to meet this little one, but if not, I know that there is hope! Take heart my friend, there is hope for you as well.