Quick Update

It's been a minute since I have written anything. Honestly, I feel a bit overwhelmed and incapable. But, I decided instead of writing about something going on in my heart, I would give a quick update!

We are still a family of four (me, David, AK and Spero). We are longing to make our family bigger, but there are no double lines for us, YET! We are a part of a church plant in Franklin, TN called Redeeming Grace Church. This is a Sovereign Grace church and is launching mid October!! We are so excited!!

We live of eight people, at one time there was eleven. We also all four live in one (big) bedroom together. Both of these have there pros and cons, but for the most part, it has been such a joy to live here!!! What a great experience to live in community with other like minded believers! I get to spend basically all day in and out with another mommy and baby. How kind of God to allow me to be refreshed daily by walking through the day with another mommy!! This family, The Lockwoods, have actually shared that they are moving out in Jan, maybe earlier, so please pray that God would provide another person to pay their part of the rent. If not, there is no way we can afford to live in Franklin. We would have to move back to Knoxville. This is certainly not a bad thing, for we long to dwell in community with Cornerstone again, but David does feel as if God is calling us to plant our feet here for awhile.

David is working at Fed Ex as an assistant manager right now. He has just started a second job at Appleton learning center and really enjoys that. He also has began a class for CCEF on counseling, and he LOVES it! His dream would to be a counselor one day!!

I am keeping a little girl on Wednesday who is pretty cute, and we love getting to play with new people!! But, Im not sure if we could say that AK ever even meets strangers, she is soooo outgoing. Sometimes it can be so intense that other little ones are quite afraid. But, something I have noticed is that she is outgoing when she feels secure. But, if she is in a new environment, she is a bit scared. Which is just like me!!!!

My heart is pretty soft towards Christ right now, although a week ago it was not so! At least for me! But God really has given me some time of longing for his word and the gospel.  We are SO weak!! But I know God gets glorified in our weakness!! Praise Him!!

DEATH IS GAIN!!

It seems so cliche to start this by saying, "I remember it like it was yesterday", but there is something about going through a tragedy that makes you lock away every passing second into a vault! So, here we go... I remember it like it was yesterday. I was eating a jar of chocolate icing, watching Tv when I got a phone call from my good friend, Kacy. Her voice seemed a bit worried as she asked, "Katie, how is Jerry?"

Let me digress for a moment on who Jerry is. I first met him when he coached my brother in baseball, a disrespectful, loud sort of creature, a bachelor who lacked self-control. Our paths crossed again when they moved across the street from us. This time though, it was as if he had been through a transformation. He was married, gentle and kind. This man was sweet, funny and loved people. Christ had saved him and changed him. I think our memories tend to be glorified in our minds, but Jerry, I feel was truly this way. He was still rough around the edges but was being etched with character and grace from God!!

As my friend so kindly called me to check on me, she continued to say she had heard Jerry was in a wreck. I quickly got off the phone and called his wife. As I talked to her, she had not heard anything either, so I had some fears, but was hopeful. I called my mom and she quickly got off of the phone with me and went to investigate. I sat and waited. Waited and sat. Until my mom called and said that my brother was coming to get me and take me to the police station. As I sat on the porch waiting to see what all the commotion was about, another friend called whose dad was in the force. She kept saying over and over again that she was so sorry. It didn't register with me yet that anything but a simple wreck had happened. On the way, as I sat in the back seat, quietly waiting to arrive to see what was unfolding, my mom called. I think everyone knew at this point that Jerry had passed away, so she felt the need to tell me. I remember her saying that he was gone, and I remember throwing the phone down as if I had not control of my hands. He was gone!! What does that mean? Over the next days as our family and friends walked through this loss, there were moments that are chiseled into my mind, burnt into my memory. I remember collapsing as I went to tell another family friend who is like my sister and his other daughter. I remember I just couldn't tell her he was gone. I remember not being able to go into the church to receive visitors who would pay the respects because I felt if I walked into the room, it really meant he was gone. 

It's been 10 years since this tragedy when Fallon Talent swerved on the interstate at Jerry and another cop who were setting up spikes strips for her to run over. It's been 10 years since we lost the man who had the brightest disposition! It's been 10 years since the police force lost a hero! It's been 10 years. I'm not sad though. I do miss him, and I miss the Jerry bomp (a silly dance he did). But the thing that encourages my soul to something greater is knowing that he is walking with Christ. I don't mean the kind of feel good "he's in a better place" sort of comfort.  I mean the deep, hold on to your hat whilst I throw off every harsh reality this world brings, raise my hands to the skies,  dance around and worship the creator comfort.  This world is not about us, its not about our happiness at all, but it is about Christ. It's about conforming into his image because he is worthy of praise and glory!! Its about knowing the God who created the world for himself and by himself. This world is not the end! I would even venture to say the end is not heaven, in a sort of sense that society believes. The end is Christ. Your end is Christ. Regardless of if you chose to bow to him on earth or not! Your end is you kneeling to God! Jerry's God.

I also want to encourage you with this. Jerry is not in heaven because he was a hero, or because he did good things, or because he learned from his mistakes. No, Jerry is in heaven because of CHRIST!! Because of Christ's work on the cross. Christ lived a perfect life and died in Jerry's place so that Jerry's sin may rest on Christ's head!! God thank you for saving Jerry, and thank you for my time with him!! To live is Christ and to die is gain!! Oh to see what Jerry has gained!!

Miscarriage

It came! The thing so dreaded and feared, but never expected. As swift as we found out we were expecting our second, we had lost our second. Through this trial, I have come to realize a few things that we so often forget. Let me first say that if you have gone through this or will go through this, I can not begin to explain how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your child. Although I have been through a miscarriage, I believe all miscarriages and all families are different, so I can't tell you that I understand your pain. I don't understand how this loss has affected you, but it is my hope that it brings good about in your life. Also, it doesn't matter how far along you were. If you were only a few weeks or further, you have lost a child, and that is so painful. 

In our first pregnancy, my fear of a miscarriage consumed me. I was so afraid that I was going to do something wrong to cause a miscarriage, but by some grace, nine months later I was holding a precious baby girl. I guess maybe that is why when I became pregnant for the second time, I did not expect anything to go wrong. I had been through this before and produced a healthy baby. But, as I started to spot and show signs of a miscarriage, my fears multiplied within me. 

There I was, laying on the ultrasound table. Looking at my baby. Nothing seemed wrong. Then as the tech listened to the heart beat, there was silence. No beat. Nothing. I guess my denial kicked in, because as I laid there, I convinced myself it was too early to hear it. But, when the tech said she was going to get the doctor to come and talk to us, my husband and I quickly fell apart, as we knew what was unfolding.

So, there we sat in the doctors office. Trying to understand what was happening. And, I rest here today on this, that although miscarriages are common, we may never know why they happen. As the weeks went on, I played all the moments before the loss over and over again in my head, did I eat something bad, did I play too rough with my other child, did I not take my medication. These thoughts sprinted through my mind. Let me tell you friend, miscarriages happen. There is no reason for them from our earthly perspective. We can't unwind our days and come up with some evidence for it. It just happens. 

As you may try to reason with yourself as to why this happened, you may also find yourself running to the internet for an explanation. DON'T!! There are so many things on the web that breed fear and anxiety in us. I can say that reading about miscarriages on the internet will only leave you with more unanswered questions. I found so much comfort in talking with others who had had miscarriages. My soul was encouraged to know that others had gone through this before me. Also, know that people really don't know what to say, and sometimes they might say the wrong thing. Just try to give them grace. Some might be uncomfortable and feel the need to talk more about themselves, some might minimize the situation, and some might not say anything at all.

Before my miscarriage, I did not know how to respond to those who had lost their child. I found myself not saying anything at all to them, avoiding them, if you will. I found this lack of condolence during my miscarriage to mean apathy. I know this is not true, but I would have loved a call, text, email, or some sign that I was being thought of. If you have a friend going through this, let them know they are loved. They may never answer the phone or text back, but trust me, it means a lot! And, while we are on the subject, a few words you should never say to them are, “I understand (even if you have had a miscarriage)” or “you'll get through it, it will be ok”. But express something to the effect of, “Im so sorry” “let me know if there is anything I can do” “Im here if you want to talk” “Praying for you”. 

As the days went on I remember venturing out and not wanting to see happy people. “Don't they know what has happened to me?” I thought. I did not want anyone happy around me, nor did I want to be happy. When I felt happy, I felt guilty. But, you are not forgetting about your baby because you are happy. It is ok to feel emotions and to move on. 

As the weeks went on, I found myself thinking a lot about the baby. Everything was somehow connected. I remember putting on a pair of undies and thinking, these are my pregnancy undies. I wore them when I was pregnant. 

And now, as I am pregnant again, I find myself walking in fear sometimes, so afraid that I might lose this one. Our first ultrasound was really hard. I was so afraid I would not hear a heart beat. But, we are on week 17 now, and I hope and pray I will get to meet this little one, but if not, I know that there is hope! Take heart my friend, there is hope for you as well. 

[previously written]